So one of my tweeps posted this the other day and I feel it is only my duty to get this out there and get as many female eyes on it as possible. The thing is most of it is true!
| 1. | Sometimes we just don't want to talk. Don't take it personally. |
| 2. | We notice other women because we are men and we are alive. This does not mean we're planning to dump you and jump them. |
| 3. | Our favorite T-shirts are not "disgraceful." They show our loyalty to our college, our favorite sports team, our favorite beer, our favorite vacation or number 23. |
| 4. | Helpless is not cute. |
| 5. | Get to the point. |
| 6. | Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time. So don't talk to us while we're doing something. We will either ignore you, because we don't hear you "honestly), or we'll screw up what we're doing because you've distracted us. Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire, if someone needs immediate medical attention, if Pamela Lee is on TV or if there is an emergency that needs a hero. |
| 7. | You can't complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still single. |
| 8. | If you ask us, "Do you think she's prettier then me?" we just might say, "Yes." Then what are you going to do? |
| 9. | Don't expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems. Just because we love you, doesn't mean your cellulite, your credit card debt or your bad mood will disappear. |
| 10. | We would not wear high heels to impress you. |
| 11. | Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in. |
| 12. | For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It's an opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are. |
| 13. | If you want us to notice something, help us out by saying something like, "I went to the beauty shop today." |
| 14. | If you have to have a cat, at least don't call him "Mister" anything. |
| 15. | Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous. |
| 16. | We need to vegetate. |
| 17. | We don't go shopping. When we need something, we buy it. |
| 18. | We believe our bodily functions are perfectly normal and, at times, quite amusing. |
| 19. | We don't believe you when you say money isn't important to you. |
| 20. | When we see pictures of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones we feel proud and happy to be men. We don't care if it's not fair. |
| 21. | It's not that we don't want to make you happy, it's just that sometimes, we don't know how. |
| 22. | Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. |
| 23. | If it itches, it will be scratched. |
| 24. | If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn't want to hear. |
| 25. | Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. |
| 26. | Don't ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topis such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. |
| 27. | Sundays equals sports. Period. |
| 28. | Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. |
| 29. | When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. |
| 30. | You have enough clothes. |
| 31. | You have too many shoes. |
| 32. | Crying is blackmail. |
| 33. | Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. |
| 34. | Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it! |
| 35. | No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check. |
| 36. | We're not mind readers and we never will be. OUr lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. |
| 37. | Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair - out of 30 - would look good with your dress? |
| 38. | Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. |
| 39. | Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. |
| 40. | A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. |
| 41. | Check your oil. |
| 42. | Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. |
| 43. | It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. |
| 44. | It doesn't matter which quiz. |
| 45. | Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. |
| 46. | If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys. |
| 47. | If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. |
| 48. | You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. |
| 49. | Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. |
| 50. | Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. |
| 51. | If you wear a Wonderbra and a low-cut blouse, you lose the right to complain about having your boobs stared at. |
| 52. | Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. |
| 53. | Men see a limited number of colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. |
| 54. | Ditto melon. |
| 55. | If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. |
Afternoon all. Hope the start of your week isn't so bad. First off for this part, Twitter Cops. No-one cares, man!!
(via cracked.com)
She looks in a room, and sees a man wanking.
"Thats awful!" she says to the Doctor.
He explains that the man has an incurable condition.
His testicles fill with semen so fast, that he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain.
"Poor man!" says the woman.
In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans cock.
"Explain that?" she says to the Doctor.
"Same condition but he's with BUPA!"
And finally for this part, what is it about other peoples pain that is so funny? Anyways I actually did something similar to this when I was a kid... Just ask my brothers.
Have a good day peeps, I'll catch you later..
Welcome back to part II. First off this kid has some serious moves, but what do you reckon. 5 year old kid or advanced android??
Secondly, direct from the sex advice pages of the LA Weekly, a simple question about tossing her salad;
Hello! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. It is amazing! We are both very GGG, and it is by far the best sexual relationship that I have ever had. But there is one thing that has been bugging me, and it’s the only thing I feel like I can’t share with him. My boyfriend really enjoys tossing my salad. I enjoy it! We love it! Here’s the problem: He kisses me when he is done.
Now I am not one of these people who is grossed out about sex-related things. I love it messy and sloppy. If he kisses me after eating my pussy, I’m fine with that. But kissing me after he eats my ass? I hate it! It tastes awful! It ruins the rest of the sex for me! I’ve heard the old "Well, imagine what it tastes like for him" adage, but he really does enjoy it, and I do, too… just not the kissing after. I’m not sure what to do about this. I am afraid that telling him would offend him and that he will stop doing it. (I do like having my salad tossed!) Am I being selfish? Should I tell him? Suck it up?
Bad Taste In My Mouth
One never permits one’s boyfriend—or one’s youth pastor or one’s president—to place his tongue in one’s butt if it isn’t clean and fresh. Because when one allows one’s boyfriend to stick his tongue in one’s butt, BTIMM, one is vouching for the edibility of one’s ass. When one consents to having one’s salad tossed—are people referring to anilingus in that way again?—one is saying to one’s partner, "My ass is clean enough for your mouth. Have at it."
It is entirely reasonable for one’s boyfriend—or one’s youth pastor or one’s president—to assume that if one’s butt is clean enough to receive his tongue, his tongue is clean enough, post-salad-tossing, to be received in the mouth of the person whose salad he has just tossed.
So are you are being selfish? Perhaps you are. But we are, each of us, allowed a hang-up or two. You should inform the boyfriend that you’re not into kissing after anal-oral contact. But you must present this news to him as your problem, not his, as a hang-up of yours. If he likes you well enough, and enjoys eating your ass as much as he seems to, he may be willing to take a few extra steps—mouthwash on the nightstand? A quick swipe with a warm washcloth?—to accommodate your squeamishness.
(via laweekly.com)And finally for the week:
Old Jokes Home:
Kid: Mum, Mum, why has Dad got his dick
stuck in the biscuit tin?
Mum: Don't worry, he's f**king crackers
Have a top one peeps!
Next up, the story of a man who abandoned his wife in an airport toilet, all because she was
And finally for this part and indeed the week, a story about some very strange creatures in the sewer. Personally I think it's viral video marketing for an X Files revival/remake, but there have apparently been found, strange breathing blobs in the sewers beneath Raleigh, North Carolina. 'Tis all very weird, but according to the original story on metro.co.uk an 'expert' by the name of Dr. Timothy S. Wood, who studies freshwater bryozoans, says;
Welcome to the first part of this weeks Sunday Joint and a happy Independence Day for yesterday to all the US viewers of the blog. It's quite a big, Yank themed post this week, in honour of our American friends, so look out. Off the bat, this is inexplicably funny. In honour of July 4th I present for your viewing pleasure, Rocket Butts:
I know this next video is old before anyone says anything but it's still amazing and I'm still in a Jacko kinda mood so there;
(via current.tv)
(via BoingBoing.net/MarkonAirTran)
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feedstore/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old lady home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
I don't know if this is fake or not but either way its pretty damn funny. I mean why oh why would you even try this...
(via failblog.org)
Fresh from the Failblog.org, Nut Sacks...
