Evening all. Welcome to your Sunday dose of funnies. The above stone was found just around the corner from my local. There is a joke in there somewhere. In fact I'm sure there are about 50 odd, so I shall leave it open to you guys. Yup that's right, a caption competion if you will. Answers on a postcard (or more likely through the comments down the bottom there). Best one wins a night with James's Mum (click on through the break for this weeks post)...
For @Rachaelblogs for cheering me up this afternoon...
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?'
Morning all.
Gosh that flip-flop is sooooo far away. Man...
Morning all. OMG its Friday again, how fantastic!
I just gotta post this video I know you will love it. From the always excellent Pomplamoose, September by Earth Wind and Fire...
Old Jokes Home:
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor shakes his
head and says, "I'm sorry but you're going to
have to stop masturbating".
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to examine you".
Ok finally for the day, ready for 25 seconds of pure antipodean cute overload??
A bin man was collecting the rubbish, but one house
hadn't put its bin out so he knocked on the door.
It was Jonathan Ross' house.
Bin man: Where's yer bin?
Jonathan Ross: Er, sorry I was in the toilet
Bin man: So, where's yer BIN?
JR: I was in the toilet
Bin man: No where's your WHEELY BIN?
JR: OK, I weally been having a wank.
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
(via @SueFrithGrau/@5tevenw)
Morning all once again, it.is.Friday. Awesomes! Ok, come get some...
First up loaf of bread or a dog? You decide..
Next up, and admittedly, we havn't had it so bad, snow wise in this 'Shire. But it does keep threatening and I can appreciate the sentiment of this video referring to the current sno-pocalypse in the US..
Q: How do you confuse a tabloid reader?
A: Tell them an asylum seeker's killed a paedophile
Next up, have you ever bought any electrical goods off of ebay from maybe Japan or China with those terrible English translations in the instructions? This isn't electronics, but still, Lost in Translation?..
Old Jokes Home
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked
the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"Freeze, muthafucka!"
This is just bizarre, worlds tallest man meets worlds smallest man...
And finally for your Friday, and only to make you wince, Teenage Mean Turtle...
Thats it, its over. Get back to work and I will see you Sunday. If you do see anything funny on your travels, either on the web or on the street, feel free to snap it on your phone and send it to me at the usual places. If you don't then feel free to share this post with your mates using the buttons below. Also its Lincolns #FridayDrinks this evening. If you havn't been before, feel free to come along and show your face, we don't all bite.. ;-)
Q. What has a nine volt battery and a woman's arsehole got in common?
A. You know it's wrong but eventually you are going to touch it with your tongue.
(via @Wilson_Matthew)
There was a blind prostitute in our town. You really had to hand it to her.
(via @alantshearer)
An old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair,
lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.
The dentist says "I'm sorry, but I'm not a gynecologist.
The old lady says "I know, I want you to
take my husband's teeth out".
(via popbitch.com)
Old Jokes Home:
Mr Duck is entertaining a prostitute in his hotel
room, when he realises he doesn't have any
protection. He phones down to reception and asks
for a condom. "Certainly, Sir", comes a reply,
"Shall I put that on your bill?"
"No!" replied the duck, "What do you think I
am, a bloody pervert?"
(via Popbitch.com)
to become a member. The secretary says: "I'm
sorry, Sir, we can't accept you here but there's a
multi-racial club 10 minutes down the road."
He replies: "But I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Ok. Five minutes down the road".
She looks in a room, and sees a man wanking.
"Thats awful!" she says to the Doctor.
He explains that the man has an incurable condition.
His testicles fill with semen so fast, that he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain.
"Poor man!" says the woman.
In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans cock.
"Explain that?" she says to the Doctor.
"Same condition but he's with BUPA!"
Welcome back to part II. First off this kid has some serious moves, but what do you reckon. 5 year old kid or advanced android??
Secondly, direct from the sex advice pages of the LA Weekly, a simple question about tossing her salad;
Hello! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. It is amazing! We are both very GGG, and it is by far the best sexual relationship that I have ever had. But there is one thing that has been bugging me, and it’s the only thing I feel like I can’t share with him. My boyfriend really enjoys tossing my salad. I enjoy it! We love it! Here’s the problem: He kisses me when he is done.
Now I am not one of these people who is grossed out about sex-related things. I love it messy and sloppy. If he kisses me after eating my pussy, I’m fine with that. But kissing me after he eats my ass? I hate it! It tastes awful! It ruins the rest of the sex for me! I’ve heard the old "Well, imagine what it tastes like for him" adage, but he really does enjoy it, and I do, too… just not the kissing after. I’m not sure what to do about this. I am afraid that telling him would offend him and that he will stop doing it. (I do like having my salad tossed!) Am I being selfish? Should I tell him? Suck it up?
Bad Taste In My Mouth
One never permits one’s boyfriend—or one’s youth pastor or one’s president—to place his tongue in one’s butt if it isn’t clean and fresh. Because when one allows one’s boyfriend to stick his tongue in one’s butt, BTIMM, one is vouching for the edibility of one’s ass. When one consents to having one’s salad tossed—are people referring to anilingus in that way again?—one is saying to one’s partner, "My ass is clean enough for your mouth. Have at it."
It is entirely reasonable for one’s boyfriend—or one’s youth pastor or one’s president—to assume that if one’s butt is clean enough to receive his tongue, his tongue is clean enough, post-salad-tossing, to be received in the mouth of the person whose salad he has just tossed.
So are you are being selfish? Perhaps you are. But we are, each of us, allowed a hang-up or two. You should inform the boyfriend that you’re not into kissing after anal-oral contact. But you must present this news to him as your problem, not his, as a hang-up of yours. If he likes you well enough, and enjoys eating your ass as much as he seems to, he may be willing to take a few extra steps—mouthwash on the nightstand? A quick swipe with a warm washcloth?—to accommodate your squeamishness.
(via laweekly.com)And finally for the week:
Old Jokes Home:
Kid: Mum, Mum, why has Dad got his dick
stuck in the biscuit tin?
Mum: Don't worry, he's f**king crackers
Have a top one peeps!
